Quoting the funny Bob Hope :

“I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance . . . waiting for the bathroom.”

“Bigamy is the only crime where two rites make a wrong.”

“I thought 'Deep Throat' was a movie about a giraffe.”

“I have a wonderful make-up crew. They're the same people restoring the Statue of Liberty.”

“I do benefits for all religions - I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality”

“You know you are getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.”

“If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf.”

“She said she was approaching forty, and I couldn't help wondering from what direction.”

“The trees in Siberia are miles apart, that is why the dogs are so fast.”

“Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle.”

“When she started to play, Steinway came down personally and rubbed his name off the piano.”

“A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.”

“A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live.”

“A sense of humor is good for you. Have you ever heard of a laughing hyena with heart burn?”

“Isn't it fun to go out on the course and lie in the sun?”

“The good news is that Jesus is coming back. The bad news is that he's really pissed off.”

“I'll tell 'ya how to stay young: Hang around with older people.”

“It's so cold here in Washington, D.C., that politicians have their hands in their own pockets.”

“No one party can fool all of the people all of the time; that's why we have two parties.”

“People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy.”

“Drugs are very much a part of professional sports today, but when you think about it, golf is the only sport where the players aren't penalized for being on grass.”

“I was called "Rembrandt" Hope in my boxing days, because I spent so much time on the canvas.”

"My father told me all about the birds and the bees. The liar . . . I went steady with a woodpecker till I was twenty-one."

“Golf is my profession. Show business is just to pay the green fees.”

“I ruined my hands in the ring ... the referee kept stepping on them.”

“Most of the people who came for dancing lessons had Rumba ambitions and minuet bodies.”

“Don't tempt me, I can resist anything but temptation”

“Middle age is when you still believe you'll feel better in the morning.”

“At the Academy Award Dinners all the actors and actresses in Hollywood gather around to see what someone else thinks about their acting besides their press agents”

“Quayle thinks Roe vs. Wade are two ways to cross the Potomac.”

“Whenever I play golf with Gerald Ford, I usually try to make it a foursome . . . the president, myself, a paramedic, and a faith healer.”