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Quoting the funny Chris Rock - Part 1:

“I'm in show business... I want to hang out with Janet Jackson, not Jesse Jackson.”

“You won't be able to take your eyes off the next four presenters: Salma Hayek and Penelope Cruz.”

“Do you know what the good side of crack is? If you're up at the right hour, you can get a VCR for $1.50. You can furnish your whole house for $10.95.”

“Every town has the same two malls: the one white people go to and the one white people used to go to.”

"Brothers are now conquering sports normally dominated by rich white people. We could take over polo too, if they'd let a brother put a horse on layaway."

“I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.”

“If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near forty.”

“There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.”

“Don't argue! You cannot win. You cannot beat a woman in a argument. It's impossible. You will not win. Cause, men, we are handicapped when it comes to arguing cause we have a need to make sense”

“Much like rock 'n' roll, school shootings were invented by the black man and stolen by the whites.”

“Not a Harvard-type education . . . just a not-sticking-up-a-liquor-store-type education.”

“You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named 'Bush', 'Dick', and 'Colon.' Need I say more?”

“The only acting you ever see at the Oscars is when people act like they're not mad they lost. Nicole Kidman was smiling so wide, she should have won an Emmy at the Oscars for her great performance. I was like, 'If you'd done that in the movie, you'd have won an Oscar, girl!”