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Quoting the funny Dave Barry :

“Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.”

“My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So for today, I have finished 2 bags of M&M and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.”

“Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.”

“What women want:  To be loved, to be listened to, to be desired, to be respected, to be needed, to be trusted, and sometimes, just to be held. What men want: Tickets to the World Series.”

“Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business.”

“Dogsled-riding is a sport that is relaxing as well as fragrant.”

“The problem with writing about religion is that you run the risk of offending sincerely religious people, and then they come after you with machetes.”

“It is a well-documented fact that guys will not ask for directions. This is a biological thing. This is why it takes several million sperm cells . . . to locate a female egg, despite the fact that the egg is, relative to them, the size of Wisconsin.”

“Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been drinking.”

“I believe that we parents must encourage our children to become educated, so they can get into a good college that we cannot afford.”

“It always rains on tents. Rainstorms will travel thousands of miles, against prevailing winds for the opportunity to rain on a tent.”

“Magnetism, as you recall from physics class, is a powerful force that causes certain items to be attracted to refrigerators.”