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Ann Landers :
“People who drink to drown their sorrow should be told that sorrow knows how to swim.”
Conan O'Brien :
“Scientists announced that they have located the gene for alcoholism. Scientists say they found it at a party, talking way too loudly”
Dave Barry :
“Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye . . . unless you have been drinking.”
Dean Martin :
“I once shook hands with Pat Boone and my whole right side sobered up.”
“If you drink don't drive. Don't even putt.”
“You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.”
Ellen DeGeneres :
“I feel like I have a hangover, without all the happy memories and mystery bruises.”
Jeff Foxworthy :
“The problem with the designated driver program . . . it's not a desirable job . . . but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house.”
George Carlin :
“One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.”
W. C. Fields :
“It was a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it.”
“Now don't say you can't swear off drinking; it's easy. I've done it a thousand times.”
“Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we'll be seeing six or seven.”
“Once, during prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.”
“I exercise strong self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.”
“A man's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another drink.”
“I never worry about being driven to drink; I just worry about being driven home.”
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