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Photo credit: ErmaMuseum.org

Quoting the funny Erma Bombeck

“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.”

“I do not participate in any sport with ambulances at the bottom of a hill.”

“Do you know what you call those who use towels and never wash them, eat meals and never do the dishes, sit in rooms they never clean, and are entertained till they drop? If you have just answered, "A house guest," you're wrong because I have just described my kids.”

“Don't confuse fame with success. Madonna is one; Helen Keller is the other.”

“For years my wedding ring has done its job. It has led me not into temptation. It has reminded my husband numerous times at parties that it's time to go home. It has been a source of relief to a dinner companion. It has been a status symbol in the maternity ward.”

“I haven't trusted polls since I read that 62% of women had affairs during their lunch hour. I've never met a woman in my life who would give up lunch for sex.”

“I've exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars.”

“Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence.”

“In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn't danced in television.”

“Just think of all those women on the Titanic who said, ‘No, thank you’ to dessert that night. And for what?!”

“My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car.”

“What's with you men? Would hair stop growing on your chest if you asked directions somewhere?”

“Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?”

“Youngsters of the age of two or three are endowed with extraordinary strength. They can lift a dog twice their own weight and dump it into the bathtub.”