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Enjoy some amusing, clever and often outright hilarious quotes from these historical figures and celebs . . .

Abraham Lincoln
Adlai Stevenson
Alfred Hitchcock
Ambrose Bierce
Andy Rooney
Angie Dickinson
Ann Landers
Anonymous
Art Buchwald

Bertrand Russell
Bill Clinton
Bill Cosby
Billie Holiday
Bob Hope


Cathy Ladman
Cher
Chris Rock
Christopher Morley
Conan O'Brien

Dan Quayle
Dan Rather
Dave Barry
Dean Martin

Dennis Miller
Dick van Dyke
Dmetri Martin
Dolly Parton
Dorothy Parker

Elayne Boosler
Elizabeth Taylor
Ellen DeGeneres
Erica Jong
Erma Bombeck
Fibber McGee

George Bernard Shaw
George Burns
George Carlin
George W. Bush
Gilbert K. Chesterton
Groucho Marx

H. L. Menchen
Helen Rowland
Henny Youngman
Henry Kissinger 

Jack Benny
Jackie Mason
James Patrick Murray
Jay Leno
Jeff Foxworthy
Jimmy Durante
Johnny Carson
Jon Stewart

Kathy Lette

Laura Bush
Lewis Grizzard
Lily Tomlin
Lucille Ball

Mae West
Mahatma Gandhi
Margaret Thatcher
Mark Twain
Maryon Pearson

Napoleon Bonaparte
Sir Norman Wisdom

Ogden Nash
Oprah Winfrey
Oscar Wilde

Pablo Picasso
Peter Kay

Robert Frost
Robert Quillen
Robin Williams
Rodney Dangerfield
Ronald Knox
Ronald Reagan
Roseanne Barr

Samuel Goldwyn
Socrates
Stephen Leacock

Truman Capote

W. C. Fields
Will Rogers
Willard Scott
Winston Churchill
Woody Allen

Zsa Zsa Gabor

. . . and here are just a few examples:

Abraham Lincoln : “If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?”

George Bernard Shaw : “The trouble with her is that she lacks the power of conversation but not the power of speech.“

Napoleon Bonaparte : “Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.”

Oprah Winfrey : “Though I'm grateful for the blessings of wealth, it hasn't changed who I am. My feet are still on the ground. I'm just wearing better shoes.”

Will Rogers : “There's two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither one works.”

Willard Scott : “Never slap a man who’s chewing tobacco.”

 

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The absent are always wrong. - English proverb

He who smiles in a crisis has found someone else to blame.

Faults are thick where love is thin. - Danish proverb

If you pay peanuts, you get monkeys.

Money isn't everything . . . but if you have kids in college,
it surely keeps them in touch.

People who drive like hell are bound to get there.

Wise men take advice. Fools don't.

A bird in the hand is safer than one that’s directly overhead.

Click here for other funny proverbs.