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Quoting the funny George Burns

“At my age flowers scare me.”

“Everything that goes up must come down. But there comes a time when not everything that's down can come up.”

“Bridge is a game that separates the men from the boys. It also separates husbands and wives.”

“First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.”

"Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house! That's what it means."

“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family . . . in another city.”

“It's hard for me to get used to these changing times. I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.”

“I spent a year in that town . . . one Sunday.”

“I'm very pleased to be here. Let's face it, at my age I'm very pleased to be anywhere.”

“People ask me what I'd most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit.”

“Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.”

“The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.”

“Too bad all the people who know how to run this country are busy running taxicabs or cutting hair.”

“By the time you're eighty years old you've learned everything. You only have to remember it.”

“When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.”

“Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal, a good cigar and a good woman . . . or a bad woman; it depends on how much happiness you can handle.”

“When I was young I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then and I'm labeled senile.”

“You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there.”

“This is the sixth book I've written, which isn't bad for a guy who's only read two.”

“Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read.”