Andy Rooney :
“Vegetarian . . . that's an old Indian word meaning ‘lousy hunter’.”
“Because over the past few years, more money has been spent on breast implants and Viagra than is spent on Alzheimer's Disease research, it is believed that by the year 2030 there will be a large number of people wandering around with huge breasts and . . . ”
Ann Landers :
“One out of four people in this country is mentally unbalanced. Think of your three closest friends; if they seem OK, then you're the one.”
Bill Cosby :
“Did you ever see the customers in health-food stores? They are pale, skinny people who look half dead. In a steak house, you see robust, ruddy people. They're dying, of course, but they look terrific.”
Conan O'Brien :
“Scientists announced that they have located the gene for alcoholism. Scientists say they found it at a party, talking way too loudly”
Dave Barry :
“Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.”
Groucho Marx :
“A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.”
“Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.”
Henny Youngman :
My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but can she climb a tree!
Jack Benny :
“I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.”
Lily Tomlin :
“Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it”
Lucille Ball :
“The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly and lie about your age.”
Mark Twain :
"Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint."
"Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times."
Samuel Goldwyn :
"I have been laid up with intentional flu."
“A hospital is no place to be sick.”