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Quoting the funny Jay Leno

“The crime problem in New York is getting really serious. The other day the Statue of Liberty had both hands up”

“According to a new geographic literacy study 4 out of 10 American students couldn't find Iraq on a map. However 10 out of 10 Mexicans could find the U.S. without a map.”

“According to doctors, George Bush has the lowest heartbeat ever recorded by someone in the White House. Well, second lowest. Dick Cheney got his down to zero a couple of times.”

The Catholic Church is still very angry about "The Da Vinci Code - they don’t like anything that makes more money in a weekend than they do.”

“President Bush appeared with Arnold Schwarzenegger at a huge campaign event. Only in California can a governor who speaks German and a president who can barely speak English try to make themselves clear to an audience that's primarily Spanish.”

“An Israeli man's life was saved when he was given a Palestinian man's heart in a heart transplant operation. The guy is doing fine, but the bad news is, he can't stop throwing rocks at himself.”

”CNN said that after the war, there is a plan to divide Iraq into three parts: regular, premium and unleaded.”

“George W. Bush says he spends sixty to ninety minutes a day working out. He says he works out because it clears his mind. Sometimes just a little too much.”

“Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline like 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?”

“If you don't want your dog to have bad breath, do what I do: Pour a little Lavoris in the toilet.”

“President Bush spoke with the Amish. He didn't want to, but it was the only group he could find that wasn't upset about the high price of gas.”

“Nineteen percent of doctors say that they'd be able to give their patients a lethal injection. But they also went on to say that the patient would have to be really, really behind on payments.”