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Quoting the funny Mark Twain:

“Last week I stated that this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister and now wish to withdraw that statement. “

"Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint."

"Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times."

"Suppose you were an idiot and suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself."

“The trouble ain't that there is too many fools, but that lightning ain't distributed right.”

“In the beginning there was nothing. God said, 'Let there be light!' And there was light. There was still nothing, but you could see it a whole lot better.”

“Get the facts first, then you can distort them as you please.”

“We have the best government that money can buy.”

“Wagner's music is better than it sounds.”

“Only presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right to use the editorial "we".

“I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.”

“One of the striking differences between a cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives.”

“Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on or by imbeciles who really mean it.”

“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.”

“It usually takes me more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech.”

“When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished by how much he'd learned in seven years."