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Erma Bombeck :
“For years my wedding ring has done its job. It has led me not into temptation. It has reminded my husband numerous times at parties that it's time to go home. It has been a source of relief to a dinner companion. It has been a status symbol in the maternity ward.”
Fibber McGee :
"My wife and I had words, but I never got to use mine."
George Bernard Shaw :
“Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can't sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can't sleep with the window open.”
George Burns :
"Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means."
Groucho Marx :
"Behind every successful man is a woman. Behind her is his wife."
“Marriage is a wonderful institution, that is of course . . . if you like living in an institution.”
The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.
Helen Rowland :
"When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that's a few steps ahead is the one that's mad."
“One man's folly is another man's wife.”
“Before marriage, a man declares that he would lay down his life to serve you; after marriage, he won't even lay down his newspaper to talk to you.”
“There is a vast difference between the savage and the civilized man, but it is never apparent to their wives until after breakfast.”
“Never trust a husband too far or a bachelor too near.”
“A good woman inspires a man, a brilliant woman interests him, a beautiful woman fascinates him, but a sympathetic woman gets him.”
“In olden times sacrifices were made at the altar, a custom which is still continued.”
“A man marries one woman to escape from many others, and then chases many others to forget he's married to one.”
Henny Youngman :
"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
I've been married for 49 years. Where have I failed?
She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.
I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
H. L. Mencken :
"The longest sentence you can form with two words is: I do."
“Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn't, they'd be married too.”
Jack Benny :
“My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never.”
Jackie Mason :
"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe."
Jeff Foxworthy :
“Now, it's true I married my wife for her looks . . . but not the ones she's been givin' me lately.”
Jimmy Durante :
"My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe."
Johnny Carson :
“Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die.”
"The difference between divorce and legal separation is that legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money."
Lewis Grizzard :
“I don't think I'll get married again. Every five years or so, I'll just find a woman I don't like and give her a house.”
“Love is blind and marriage is the institution for the blind.”
“Being a newspaper columnist is like being married to a nymphomaniac. It's great for the first two weeks.”
“I grew up in a very large family in a very small house. I never slept alone until after I was married.”
“I get letters from people who say, 'What have you got against women?' What could I possibly have against women? I've married three of them.”
Mae West :
“Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution yet.”
“A hard man is good to find.”
Mahatma Gandhi :
“I first learned the concepts of non-violence in my marriage.”
Max Kaufman :
"I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and by then it was too late."
Ogden Nash :
"Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other who never forgets them."
“To keep your marriage brimming,
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you're wrong, admit it;
Whenever you're right, shut up.”
Oscar Wilde :
"Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."
“One should always be in love. That is the reason one should never marry.”
Patrick Murray :
"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't."
Peter Kay :
"I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.”
Robert Frost :
"It's a funny thing that when a man hasn't anything on earth to worry about, he goes off and gets married."
Robin Williams :
"Ah, yes, divorce... from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
Rodney Dangerfield :
“My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.”
“With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.”
“"I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she's been giving me lately!"
“My wife was afraid of the dark . . . then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.”
"I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her."
Roseanne Barr :
“My husband and I didn't sign a pre-nuptial agreement. We signed a mutual suicide pact.”
Tony Curtis :
"I wouldn't be caught dead marrying a woman old enough to be my wife."
Socrates :
"My advice to you is get married. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.”
“As to marriage or celibacy, let a man take which course he will, he will be sure to repent.”
Winston Churchill :
Lady Nancy Astor: “Winston, if you were my husband, I'd poison your tea.”
Churchill: “Nancy, if I were your husband, I'd drink it.”
Woody Allen
"In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker."
“Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in my bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.”
Zsa Zsa Gabor :
“A man in love is incomplete until he is married. Then he's finished.”
“How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?”
“I know nothing about sex . . . because I was always married.”
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