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Quoting the funny Woody Allen :

“If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your future plans.”

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

“If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.”

“In Beverly Hills... they don't throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows.”

“Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in my bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.”

“Love is the answer, but while you're waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty interesting questions.”

“Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing.”

“Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, 'Be fruitful and multiply,' . . . but not in those words.”

“To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.”